Is LCIS cancer or not?

Some people (myself included) have read on the internet that my kind of cancer really isn't cancer. I knew better because I knew that a pathologist verified the presence of cancer. So today, I looked in one more place on-line, the American Cancer Society, and here's what they say:

Lobular carcinoma in situ

Although not a true cancer, lobular carcinoma in situ (LCIS; also called lobular neoplasia) is sometimes classified as a type of non-invasive breast cancer, which is why it is included here. It begins in the milk-producing glands but does not grow through the wall of the lobules.

Most breast cancer specialists think that LCIS itself does not become an invasive cancer very often, but women with this condition do have a higher risk of developing an invasive breast cancer in the same breast or in the opposite breast. For this reason, women with LCIS should make sure they have regular mammograms.

The pathologist's report

Finally I have something specific to call this thing. I read the pathologist's report today and here's what it says:

Mammary carcinoma in situ with the following features:

• Histologic type: lobular carcinoma in situ * (E-cadherin negative)
• Tumor grade: intermediate
• Necrosis: Present
• Associated calcifications: present
• No invasive carcinoma
  
• Estrogen receptor: positive
• Progesterone receptor: positive

* I've poked around on the internet hoping to find some black and white definition of all the above. Some of it is less than b & w, however. I think I will just file it away in the part of my brain that wants to put it on hold until more clear info arrives. I.e., when I see surgeon next week.

Thank you to everyone! I love you all.

Going inward

I am so lucky to have great friends who know exactly what to say. Their words remind me that I can do this my way. For example, today I just want to stay quietly at home and take care of things I've been neglecting. Tomorrow is our family reunion which I usually look forward to but I'm not eager about it this year...I don't want to go but need to not feel guilty about it.

Another interesting thing has come up and that is how to handle people who give unsolicited advice, which I'm getting too much of right now. I myself have done that in the past but in the last few years made a conscious effort to keep my "wisdom" to myself. It is so, so much better to be a compassionate listener, at least from my perspective. So for any of you who are wondering what to do for me, that is at the top of the list. It feels really good. And for those of you who have given advice, I love you for it, but you can probably stop and I'll be just fine.

The exception of course is any advice you can give about what to expect from the whole cancer thing. I'm especially curious about the ups and downs and how do you talk yourself through them?

Let the Roller Coaster begin

Those first few days....did they sound just a little too chirpy to you? Yeah, me too. I had a little sweet voice in my skull telling me that there would be ups and downs (not too hard to figure that out) so it wasn't a big surprise when I started quaking emotionally.

I'm trying not to over-mentalize but old habits die hard, so I had to ask myself...how can a conceivably simple case cause anxiety? Talked to my counselor about it and he says: mortality. Yep. Just the thought of cancer makes one automatically start thinking about it. I guess that must be it.

This morning a mini-panic started. Breathing hard, stomach in knots, restless. Without thinking about what to do about it I headed straight for the TV room, jumped on my little couch and turned on my little TV. Pulled a blanket around me and just watched whatever came on. That room was so cute at one time, but not now. I slowly have been pulling all the furniture in close to the couch. This a.m. I realized it was some sub-conscious method of creating coziness...a nest? Whatever. It works.

I did finally wash my dishes yesterday but can't find my camera to take a picture to prove it to you. It felt good to get rid of that mess. So here's a picture of one of Jill's peonies for you instead of the clean kitchen.

Oh, I met a friend of Steve's, too....he's a cabinet-maker and is going to come over with Steve someday and figure out how to build me some more counter space in my semi-kitchen. Yay!

What I'm doing today: making banana bread, lunch at Steve's and going to see Ugly Truth with Bonnie. I seem to be filling my time in a hyper kind of way. I really need some down time to relax and meditate a little bit.

Taking advantage of cancer

This is a riot. I'm basically a hedonist (i.e. kinda lazy) who would rather read than do anything. So up comes cancer and now all of a sudden I have an excuse! "Ohhhh, I just am too tired." Or, "Life is meant to be playful, not drudgery....I can do the dishes next week." Really, it might be next week at the rate I'm going. Next to my sink is a very neat grouping of stacks of dirty dishes that hearken back 4 days. I feel absolutely no guilt, either. It's pretty fun. Is this a lesson about 'shoulds?'

If so, then I really do love cancer. (ewwww....that sounds sick...) But, really, I do love it if it means I can learn and truly internalize some new belief systems that work better. We all keep hearing about how shoulds are unnecessary and probably harmful, but does that make us stop acting should-ish? No, not me, anyway. Shoulds are so fricking insipid, hard to recognize, and camouflaged as responsible behavior. But here this beautiful demon comes along and automatically melts away that which does not serve. I for one want to take advantage of that.

I said the other night that I had some immediate demonstrations of such meltings and that I would talk about them later. Here's one: I had been spending a lot of time thinking and dreaming about the new camera I want....instead of aiming for a step above my current one, I was looking in an uppermore stratosphere. I kept reading about it, looking for sales, and hovering over it at Costco. But Monday night a camera thought crossed my mind and I had absolutely no attachment to it. I was pretty surprised. Asked myself where all the passion went. Then it hit me and a grin grew on my face as it dawned on me what was going on: the petty and the material were losing stature. And that's something I've been striving for, so doesn't that sound like a good thing!

New subject: I want to put off any surgery until the weather cools off. My apartment is an oven and I have summer hot flash-itis. That makes for a miserable sounding time to spend laid up in a bed that's in an oven, right? So, if no-one else is in a hurry I don't think I will rush this.

THESE PICTURES
I am pretty comfortable with my relationships with inanimate beings so I told my daughter the other night, Lara, that she shouldn't worry about me being alone. Here are my friends Tom the Mug, George, and Beebee Bear. You can just tell how close we all are, can't you? And there are my dishes, patiently waiting.

wtf....i uploaded 3 pictures but only one is showing. any blogspot people know what's wrong? Plus, I lose my paragraphs and have to go back to edit to add some returns. This didn't used to happen.

This is George (the brains of this particular duo) biting Tom's spectacular nose. I really do love these guys.

And this is Beebee. Lara must've taken this shot when I wasn't looking. Too strange. Anyway, Beebee has been passed back & forth between Lara and me for a few decades. Whoever needs the most emotional support has custody. He really is quite dear.

Day 3 is starting

Gotta remember these things:

• get on cancellation list for Dr. G
• get x-rays
• look up American Cancer Society
• look up Breast Cancer Resource Center in Tacoma
• get Fred Hutchison hotline numbeR
• Life is good
  

REALITY IS SETTLING IN

Yesterday was a little bit hyper...when things slowed down Lara called and asked if I wanted her to come down for the night. I jumped on it as I didn't feel like being alone. In fact, for the first time in my life, I was actually afraid to fall asleep. My theory is that I was afraid of letting go of control. Once I realized that I went right to bed and crashed. Fell asleep without my usual 2 hours of reading.

Today was pretty interesting. I wasn't sure how long I could keep up the pollyanna tune and if gut-wrenching fear would take over. That didn't happen but some other things did creep in that I didn't anticipate. In general they all had to do with 'new perspectives.' I've heard that cancer does that to a person. Experiencing it, especially within 24 hours, was surprising. I'll write more about it tomorrow because I really like the new way of thinking. But not tonight; I'm bushed.

Oh...to document my day:

• Lara and I went to the Hearthfire Restaurant to celebrate this new phase of my life;
• we went to a movie, The Hangover, so that we could start my laughing campaign. We did laugh, but OMG how crude. Please tell me guys aren't really like that.
• I made my first appointment with the surgeon. It will be August 6 at 2:30. Susan, alas, won't be in town so can't go with me, but Lara probably will.
  

Day one: DIAGNOSIS

Last month I had my annual mammogram with some "suspicious" results so had a follow-up x-ray that zoomed in on the area. They still didn't like what they saw (calcifications) so scheduled me for a biopsy. I truly expected it to be a formality to rule out cancer because of the low probability of cancer from calcifications (15%). Also because I had some old scar tissue in that area which could've been the cause of the calcifications.

Well, today my wonderful doctor, Suzy Adams, called to give me the news that it really is cancer. Wow! Fortunately my friend, Susan, a breast cancer survivor herself, happened to be sitting right in front of me when I got the call. After I hung up, Susan and I brainstormed for a couple of hours and she clarified some points for me. Extremely lucky, wouldn't you say?

Dr. Suzy is calling my surgeon, Dr. Chris Griffith, tomorrow to set up my first appointment. She says he's the best in Olympia....glad to hear that! (For those of you whom I told that he was an oncologist: wrong Dr. Griffith. The one I'm seeing is the surgeon Dr. G.)

The only 2 things I know right now are that it is very early stage and it is in situ, which simply means it is non-invasive, a good thing.

I've already come up with some benefits of a cancer diagnosis: friends will visit and cook for me. I have an excuse to watch lots of funny movies. I just got invited to a salmon BBQ just so I could meet a breast cancer survivor. (It can always be said of me that I will find the good side of a mud puddle if anyone can, and that certainly isn't going to be any different now.)

Right away it occurred to me to start a blog. Why? I will be better able to keep track of all the information that will be coming my way. People can find out about my progress. It helps me to write about stuff. And most of all, I'd really like to hear from people....not only words of support from my current buddies, but from any other breast cancer survivors referred here to talk about what to expect. So feel free to share my address with others. The more the better! I refuse to go through this alone! Thanks!

Susan says these are questions to ask the doctor:

1. how many tumors are there?
2. where are they?
3. has the cancer gone into the lymph nodes?
4. how much area needs to be removed safely?
5. what kind of cancer is it exactly?

Any other questions I should be asking?

HELP
If you're wondering how you can help: I will be looking for a few people to take turns staying at my apartment with me. Susan assures me that I will not be able to do everything for myself just yet. I probably will also need a coordinator who can keep track of helpers. Maybe not....but am putting it out there just in case.