I'm back. Today I had my first annual mammogram since the cancer episode last year. A few months ago I had a follow-up mammogram just on the left side and it was perfectly clear. So I didn't expect there to be any glitches today. There was, though...the radiologist found some odd calcification patterns that makes him want to look more closely. Which means a biopsy. Oh, and there are two odd areas, so I'll actually get 2 biopsies. Not scheduled yet.
So how am I taking it this time? A lot less hyper, a lot more sober. Maybe scared. Just a little pissed since I have so much to do in the next few months and I was on a great roll...now not so much.
I want to hurry through it and get it over with, no matter what "it" is. I have house painters coming, a bedroom that needs a new floor so I can put my new bed on it. A birthday party to plan. A visit with son and family. So many great things. I think maybe what I'll do is just have a little retreat from my normal life for a couple of days and then hop back on the train. I don't want to ignore any emotions, but I also don't want to get mired in them. It usually works just fine if I give the sadness and fears a deadline.
That reminds me...I just got a book from the library that I probably wasn't going to read: Feel the Fear and Do it Anyway. Ick. Not my favorite thing to think about. But now it sounds like it's almost a prescription for getting through this. Listen to me, you'd think I'd just gotten a death sentence. No, I'm aware that this is still just a preventive thing....no big bad diagnosis. And the radiologist did say it's probably not cancer, so I'm not going to freak out.
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